The first thought that appeared in my head when I left my lawyer’s office, came in the form of an image; that of myself jumping in front of a train.
At the feeling level, the fantasy brought relief from the emotional pain I was in. I had to make a big decision regarding my children, and my heart was broken open as a result.
The second thought, well, it was more of the reasoning committee in my head, giving me a ten-bulleted point presentation as to why jumping in front of a train was not a good idea. In fact, it was a bad idea, according to my own reasoning.
The irony is that I was in this predicament partially because of the predominance of this thinking mechanism, whose frequent reasoning has kept my feeling side from making not only bad choices, but also most decisions.
Some of those ‘most decisions’ could have used more of the feeling side of me.
Often, what’s poison on an average day is the elixir on a severe day. And yet, that it’s the culprit to begin with is of no avail in those dire straight moments. In fact, when I calculate the soul affect of those extreme moments in life, and how beneficial they can be, I’m tempted to replace the word ‘culprit’ with catalyst.
You might sense me contradicting myself regarding how our various facets affect and alter our lives; in my case, my feeling self and my thinking self – but bear with me for a moment if you will. Rather than view it as contradicting, might I suggest seeing it as a conundrum, or at the least, a paradox.
In my case, both sides are soul serving, even in the wake of their propelling consumption. My thinking side is similar to what we currently refer to as a bully, while my feeling side is more the passive aggressive.
On an average day there is dominance of the thinking; on a good day, there is interplay; on a bad day, interplay, is interfered with by the thinking side of me, when feelings should be leading.
I realize today, as I am in the thick of the dynamics between these two aspects of myself, that blaming or shaming either side, does me no good. The bottom line is, besides doing the best I can in this blog, to articulate this dynamic, I am inadequately equipped to dictate their course, recourse, or discourse.
And if I did attempt to manipulate their song and dance, what third part of me would be so ballsy to do so! I’d then have to be concerned about that aspect. So, then, what’s a psyche to do?
Assume a helpless position, allowing the full gamut of my selves to do whatever they want? Talk about a rendition of Lord of The Flies …. But that’s not exactly what happened today; which is a prime example of why I’m learning to be in acceptance of myself, exactly as I am – letting the full gamut of my selves fully express isn’t always a bad thing.
In the end, as long as I am willing to do my best, showing up as honest and forthcoming as I can, things will turn out just fine – or, as Ms. Hawkings, of the show, Lost, puts it, the universe has a way of course-correcting.
In other words, whatever will be, will be – period. I can live with that.